The "Don't judge" crowd are illiberal liberal fuckwads. Balance variables. Half blind, I weigh them as: maybe your voiced opinion will sit in her mind and help her free herself from your-assessed shitbag. We need loved ones to guide us when we're lost; family that says let family sink and swim on their own decisions are ahole absolutionists. If you decide to bail, maybe use it as carrot/stick: you're out if he stays and will come back if she kicks him out. But be sure of your assessment she's better off without him. I'm a single parent and have only been with douchebags after an abusive marriage. They were each a necessary healing experience on the path to recovery. Don't be fooled by superficial appearances, don't be another avoidant absolutionist in her family, do the work to know your balancing of variables and decision are pretty compelling.
May 11, 2024
Related Recs
If you have strong checkpoints yet find yourself being run over by narcs. It's worth doing a post-op learning and understanding why. I practically live on homework!
Found this Reddit post really helpful:
"A couple things.
Obviously tune up your radar so you can spot them early on, and be ruthless about boundaries including summary termination of the relationship without notice, announcement, or explanation other than perhaps to hold them expressly responsible. E.g., your behavior X isn't consistent with my values.
Almost as obviously, don't judge prematurely, give others the benefit of the doubt, recognize your own triggers and the substantial prospect of misunderstanding, figure out ways to get someone to explain themselves ("I don't understand" and "what?" go a long way), and be clear and express with your boundaries if only to give the person an opportunity to apologize (they will, or they'll justify / explain / deny but either way, they'll reveal themselves). Also recognize that people sometimes just put their foot in their mouth (not that I ever have, of course) and forgiveness is a virtue.
Importantly, don't go out into the world saying you can't trust any more. That embraces and perpetuates the role and identity of victim and perpetuates your prior tormentors' influence over your psyche.
Better instead to reject and, indeed, defy that influence expressly and with purpose. Think of oneself as an empowered adult free to associate, or not, with whomever you choose, in your own terms, without apology or justification, responsible for yourself, your decisions, and self view, and who is a keen judge of character borne of experience and insight.
Living well is the best revenge, they say."
Sep 3, 2024
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I can no longer be guilted into keeping someone in my life that makes me feel awful and makes other peoples life harder, I reccomend you give it a try, sometimes water is thicker than blood
Apr 16, 2025
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What you allow in your life (ie poor behavior, bigotry, inconsideration, etc.),
you‘re subconsciously saying this behavior is ok. I know, I know. ”But what does it say about me if I am not accepting of others?”
In the grand scheme, you’re saying “I’m ok with people treating those I care about like shit.“
This is a hard one to learn. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, that same benefit of the doubt is enabling flat out shitty people to keep being shitty people.
So what do you do? You want to make sure everyone feels cared for? Start with yourself. The next time that one friend who says everything that’s on their mind hurts your feelings, tell them. watch How they react. Watch if they do it again. And decide from there. Because at the end of the day, you aren‘t obligated to keep people in your life, whatever the reason.
Jan 29, 2025
Top Recs from @indianjones
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Oct 13, 2024
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So vulnerable, I have to be sincere. European and American art galleries historically are not only promoters of great art, they are creators of markets. That may be where you could shift focus.
Your worth is that you are young, eating rat, living a life of passion, filth, messiness, body horror (per my comment on such) unique and unknown to those with money. They crave you, not for your art. That's worthless to them. The art, as photographs per Sontag in my other rec, is simply a receipt that they owned a piece of your lifestyle for a moment. No one who will buy your art will likely give a fuck about your art. Stop seeking those. Find the Glengarry Glen Ross customers seeking life, escape from drudgery, a need to prove something to themselves. Let your art be that for them.
Enough bs theory, now for implementation. You won't sell your art, but you can sell the frustration, bloodsweattears, dedication, sacrifice that drips from your post. You can do so by simultaneously reminding yourself you are not creating ART but CREATING art. Your work and worth is not on a canvas. It's not the art. It's in you, the artist.
May 11, 2024
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A model friend/client and I stepped out from dinner for a smoke and were having a tipsy discussion about an issue with her company. Some doorman came up to tell us to move because we were blocking the entrance, which we weren't. I was irked, but my friend guessed he likely stereotyped her being in a lover's quarrel. Irked for a different reason, I called out, "Dude, we're discussing business! She's my boss!" In hindsight, I appreciated how he handled what he mistook as a domestic dispute by creating a false diversion to redirect our attention.
Most people get involved in others' drama because they think they know better. Most people don't because they're insecure they're misunderstanding. He was appropriately in between.
Jun 5, 2024