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the world is over

i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either 1) pump black country new road 2) watch brooklyn 99. i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak, or fathom anything beyond the apple of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts. i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next it’s been people it’s been sewing guitar driving religion philosophy photography writing filming blogging i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, i’m not a girl of her commitments- i get bored. and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and there’s been plenty) i don’t know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but i’m not super used to being bad at things. i’ve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when you’ve put in the work to be good at it. if it wasn’t me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.

@22

Feb 18, 2025

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getting comfy w indetermination

working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here ((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.)) putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum. sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary. im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done. whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you. this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense?? i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though. 2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen. let life change. i think.

@slut

Dec 5, 2024

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WELCOME BACK

hello!!!! i want to start making this blog weekly now. - as some followers may know, i've committed to college at last. it's weird with things coming to an end, but with "ending" being a common theme in this blog/life, i'm actually kind of soft on it. heres what i've been listening to: Forever Howlong : Black Country, New Road Squid (discography) Total euphoria : caroline as seen, my music taste has gotten more upbeat as of recent. Total euphoria by caroline has been cemented as a staple in my go-to songs now, it's like your soul being ripped from your chest from the air and then breathing in. and then out. it's a wonderful experience with its own little production quirks. the prime suspect is its out-of-time instruments, where the guitars are actually playing different tempos. and then on top of all that the drums sort of wash in and out when they want to. then a bass drop? this isn't my folk band! I highly recommend caroline, especially their debut self-titled album. some favorites off of those include IWR and Engine (eavesdropping). very spiritual and easing music. aside from that, how have i been? i've been #exploring my wonders and interests. creating a rigid identity is something i've found to be important. who am i between switching personalities for certain people? one of the identifiers has been how i am awkward. many can attest to it, but i don't think it's something i'd just drop immediately for confidence. people find it amusing, i think it's a good source of kindness for myself; there's a way to materialize it into something that doesn't give other people second-hand embarrassment. i might talk too fast or too slow, take a while to respond, make too much or little eye contact,, it's random!!! but that's for the best!! we don't have to be rigid in specificity. it just matters that we see things in ourselves that generally describe who we are. i've taken many trips, much too many trips to a specific town recently. the record store just calls my name and i always find myself being in the way between record crates while i kneel down looking at jazz cds. i'm getting a lot of cds! i always make sure to treat myself by getting at least one LP. some recent purchases have been: Promises : Floating Points, Pharaoh Sanders, London Symphony Orchestra Pink Moon : Nick Drake Hellfire : black midi all around wonderful finds. i know its good to buy things outside of my comfort zone... but let me get everything else first! i do my musical experimentation with cds. some recent CD purchases include.... Sketches of Spain : Miles Davis Discipline : King Crimson Speak No Evil : Wayne Shorter Giant Steps : John Coltrane it's good to consume, well when you have the money. other times, maybe just imagine you're consuming? paint a picture. you'll usually have a matcha latte (btw new obsession) outside a bakery, on a bench in the rain. do you need the drink to savor the moment? if you're out of money, maybe try sitting in silence like that! a brain-lock into our outside moment might be important. I think back to a quote from my notes in my notes from sept-oct 2024. i was in a rough patch then, still am, but more then. i hated myself, despised a lot of my own self-being, but one quote made its way out of my fingers: idk maybe some on-spirit growth can happen before any professional help, and honest support from those i had, i typed that for myself. i think it is in our innate desire to do better that we achieve our ideal selves. because i'm fulfilling that unsure "maybe", by truuuly taking time for myself. it's wonderful, and i don't exactly have to love myself. but tolerating who i am and having respect for myself has done wonders . i mapped out who i want to be, and formed a list of things to do before college starts. and it's working so far! so take charge. it takes a long time; i'm only seeing the real vision about 6 months later after saying that, but you will make it, even without that direction. good night! i hope to continue this weekly and hope you got something out of this post :)

@sebbspirit

6d ago

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using social media on a desktop

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