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What a beautiful phrase. The joyful abandonment of inhibition, of self-regulation. I’m the sheep & the shepherd. I lay down my shears & let the woolly overcoat overgrow, soft & warm; slow, sweet suffocation. So much of life is the imposition of strict mandates on the self. One must be rigorous, one must be vigilant, one must never tire. Man am I tired. Tomorrow I’ll awaken bleary eyed & aching. I’ll promise myself over my roommate’s canned cold brew drink that ā€this is itā€. I will once again conduct a coup and install a tyrannical regime of self improvement. But tonight, my belly is fat with cheeseburger & strawberry milkshake, my eyes are swimming in blue light. This is how I sleep soundly. Sometimes when I drive at night & the road is empty, I turn the headlights off. It’s unsustainable to drive like that forever— if I did that I’d crash. But man, those few moments when the headlights are off & I’m hurtling into the dark. That’s what driving is all about.
May 20, 2024

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I’ve spent the whole morning looking for a lost key that would open all the doors. It was like waking up small cuts in the throat, like searching for the past and remembering the pain. Another thing crossed off the list, but was it worth coming back home? Will it help to bang your head against the doors? What we do is shameful, it’s shameful to neglect what we have around Walking back home, I unplugged myself and looked up at the sky. It was 8:34 PM and there were a few stars. I realized the trap - dispersion. I don’t know how long it’s been since I last looked up at the sky - usually, we gaze blankly down, the deepest point of a screen.
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Really i am coarsing through your veins. Bleeding you out. Striking a cord. Relinquishing my spine. Relegating autonomy to the massive misogyny. Reckless. unstable and a brat. Something to say at the least appropriate moment, It was us all along. The flute stayed in tune. I decided long ago I would stay. Only to let go of who I actually was. Be there when you can. You never were. Bribe your way to my heart. Lend a helping hand. Decide to be yourself. The glass shatters and I reflect on myself and who I used to be. Bad bad bad. All the same to me, I don’t care if you die of thirst. Your green with envy and it shows. Quite the pussy cat. The elixer is mid greatfuly so. I take my bath and lay myself bare. It shows. Just where have you been. All the while I have been searching and finding no release as to who I want to be. I choose this time. I decide where to put it. Wide awake and endlessly falling asleep.
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