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"When we are baffled by the insanity of the "other side"—in our politics, at work, or at home-it's because we aren't seeing how the conflict itself has taken over.
That's what "high conflict" does. It's the invisible hand of our time. And it's different from the useful friction of healthy conflict. That's good conflict, and it's a necessary force that pushes us to be better people.
High conflict, by contrast, is what happens when discord distills into a good-versus-evil kind of feud, the kind with an us and a them. In this state, the normal rules of engagement no longer apply. The brain behaves differently. We feel increasingly certain of our own superiority and, at the same time, more and more mystified by the other side."
I found the concept of high conflict extremely useful in my own life and it makes a lot of interactions make sense. Once you know what it is, you see it everywhere, and you can easily identify when you enter it. High conflict at the root of every culture war. Now that I know the topics I enter into high conflict about, I simply avoid them unless I'm in an intimate conversation with trusted peers where actual conversation can take place.
Jul 3, 2024
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I think in order to effect mass change traditional social media sites would have to either radically transform or die because I do believe they’re one of the root causes of hateful thinking patterns in society along with 24/7 rage bait media. people are so locked into their informational bubbles that it’s like people with different beliefs almost live in entirely different realities.
If we all could learn and aspire to practice nonviolent communication that would also make a huge difference. And as a leader I would say it’s helpful to implement non-hierarchical organizational structures and allow everyone to have input to foster a culture of respect, collaboration, and openness through techniques like Liberating Structures.
the PDF I’ve linked is a great resource that’s specifically about leading collective impact working groups, but I think the principles, actionable steps, and resources it lays out in Module 3: How to Build a Culture of Collaboration, Module 4: How to Put Systems Thinking into Practice, and Module 5: How to Engage with Community Members could be helpful for anyone who wants to make positive social changes as a leader.
Oct 4, 2024
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I do think that large scale war is more possible than it has ever been in our lifetimes. There's a powder keg feel to much of it. Towering empires, armed and empowered.
This thing that many western nations have experienced—several generations of peace—is a luxury, maybe even a historical anomaly.
Neither you or I (as far as I know) have our hands on the levers of power or command armies with our decrees.
But we aren't powerless. And one of my biggest concerns is the hallowing out of care for our communities.
Of course it starts with our own hearts:
Are there particular people groups that I'd like to see "get what's coming to them"?
We know that marginalizing people based on race and ethnicity and class and nationality is bad. But what about those people whose religion we think is narrow and harmful? Whose beliefs are wacky? Or who support causes we find offensive?
Do we find ourselves justified in wanting them to suffer because of what they think or say or which political faction they support?
— that's a dangerous place to live.
As an American who pays attention to the historical record, I can see that since its founding, my country has been marked by compromise, national sin, and perpetration of injustice. But I can also see that there have been times—around the second world war, for instance—when we were a force for global good: pushing back waves of fascism. That was only possible because of a willful working together among the people.
And "together among the people" seems to be a great area of vulnerability—"a house divided cannot stand"—and also the opportunity space where each of us can influence our communities for the better.
My challenge to me: show kindness and love to someone whose beliefs I dislike.
3d ago
idk if we're doing Kindness Week—it seems like it—so I'm reccing this book which validated and rewired the way I see the world. It dismantles the assumptions people have about our base nature and helps you realize how many in power cherry pick data and tell a story that divides us by making us more fearful and distrustful of each other.
if you don't know Rutger, he's the guy who told the billionaires at Davos they were immoral hoarders of wealth and then made Tucker Carlson crash out.
May 13, 2025
Top Recs from @killer
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I feel like 12 is a wonderful place to start. 1 book a month. Keep it in your bathroom. Beside your bed. Where you eat your meals. Please read this year. It's one of the best things you can do for yourself. and for me, and for everyone who you'll tell, I'm reading again, and you should read with me too. Take pictures or screencaps of passages and send them to your friends. Read funny, easy books, evil and upsetting books, books that are boring but are still satisfying to finish. Go to the library. Challenge yourself. You will feel better, you'll feel proud of yourself, and you'll banish the negative moodlet of being mad or ashamed at yourself for not reading. It's ok that you haven't been. You had your reasons and it doesn't do any good to beat up on yourself. That was then and this was now. Start a book tomorrow bc it is a new day :)
Jan 1, 2025
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be giving, accept graciously, be thankful, withdraw when it's wise
Jul 20, 2024
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I don't listen to any AI generated playlists because I prefer to hear ones curated by people. I love sharing music as a human to human thing. It's also dismaying how music streaming services prioritize the songs of artists whose management pay them, etc.
It's so fun to simply browse anonymous person's curated lists instead on top of sharing with friends. It's never been easier to peek into someone else's semi-private music preference and walk their landscape. Just today I found a person who's made dozens of playlists for specific beanie babies (!), all with no saves or likes.
We don't need AI driven sorting to develop taste and find things we like. Break out of the corral with me and run free. Let's see what's over the hill
Aug 6, 2024