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reviewing an old lecture slide deck and being reminded of why i do any of this. that was the day i thought, huh maybe this will all be worth it in the end. maybe the scientists of the past, in their endless pursuit of knowledge, were all just chasing the spark i felt too.
black box opens 2024 (62 slides)
Jan 1, 2025
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hello!!!! i want to start making this blog weekly now.
- as some followers may know, i've committed to college at last. it's weird with things coming to an end, but with "ending" being a common theme in this blog/life, i'm actually kind of soft on it.
heres what i've been listening to:
Forever Howlong : Black Country, New Road
Squid (discography)
Total euphoria : caroline
as seen, my music taste has gotten more upbeat as of recent.
Total euphoria by caroline has been cemented as a staple in my go-to songs now, it's like your soul being ripped from your chest from the air and then breathing in. and then out. it's a wonderful experience with its own little production quirks. the prime suspect is its out-of-time instruments, where the guitars are actually playing different tempos. and then on top of all that the drums sort of wash in and out when they want to. then a bass drop? this isn't my folk band!
I highly recommend caroline, especially their debut self-titled album. some favorites off of those include IWR and Engine (eavesdropping). very spiritual and easing music.
aside from that, how have i been? i've been #exploring my wonders and interests. creating a rigid identity is something i've found to be important. who am i between switching personalities for certain people? one of the identifiers has been how i am awkward. many can attest to it, but i don't think it's something i'd just drop immediately for confidence. people find it amusing, i think it's a good source of kindness for myself; there's a way to materialize it into something that doesn't give other people second-hand embarrassment. i might talk too fast or too slow, take a while to respond, make too much or little eye contact,, it's random!!! but that's for the best!! we don't have to be rigid in specificity. it just matters that we see things in ourselves that generally describe who we are.
i've taken many trips, much too many trips to a specific town recently. the record store just calls my name and i always find myself being in the way between record crates while i kneel down looking at jazz cds. i'm getting a lot of cds! i always make sure to treat myself by getting at least one LP. some recent purchases have been:
Promises : Floating Points, Pharaoh Sanders, London Symphony Orchestra
Pink Moon : Nick Drake
Hellfire : black midi
all around wonderful finds. i know its good to buy things outside of my comfort zone... but let me get everything else first! i do my musical experimentation with cds.
some recent CD purchases include....
Sketches of Spain : Miles Davis
Discipline : King Crimson
Speak No Evil : Wayne Shorter
Giant Steps : John Coltrane
it's good to consume, well when you have the money. other times, maybe just imagine you're consuming? paint a picture. you'll usually have a matcha latte (btw new obsession) outside a bakery, on a bench in the rain. do you need the drink to savor the moment? if you're out of money, maybe try sitting in silence like that! a brain-lock into our outside moment might be important.
I think back to a quote from my notes in my notes from sept-oct 2024. i was in a rough patch then, still am, but more then. i hated myself, despised a lot of my own self-being, but one quote made its way out of my fingers:
idk maybe some on-spirit growth can happen
before any professional help, and honest support from those i had, i typed that for myself. i think it is in our innate desire to do better that we achieve our ideal selves. because i'm fulfilling that unsure "maybe", by truuuly taking time for myself.
it's wonderful, and i don't exactly have to love myself. but tolerating who i am and having respect for myself has done wonders . i mapped out who i want to be, and formed a list of things to do before college starts. and it's working so far! so take charge. it takes a long time; i'm only seeing the real vision about 6 months later after saying that, but you will make it, even without that direction.
good night! i hope to continue this weekly and hope you got something out of this post :)
Apr 29, 2025
ever since my kindergarten teacher staged a leprechaun break-in i’ve been pouring over clusters of clovers trying to find one with four leaves. as i got older, wiser, and more embarrassed, the desperate scrounging for grade school fame morphed into passive glances of curiosity with a dash of longing. a few months ago, at my mom’s birthday, i saw a lonesome patch of clovers in a sea of other, less interesting plants. i don’t know what came over me, but instead of the glances i’d become comfortable with, i got down and i looked. i saw it instantly, like my eyes had been trained specifically to find it. there it sat, utterly incapable of comprehending of how special it was. the treasure i‘d been searching for. my white whale. i shot out of the squat that i was in and showed it to as many people as possible, but to my absolute shock, nobody gave a shit. nobody shared my excitement, nobody thought it was especially cool. this quest that i’d silently been on for the better part of my life was complete, yet there was no fanfare, and i’m okay with that. sometimes you’ve just gotta be happy with yourself.
if you’ve given yourself to something, and it means the world to you, the only person who can decide what your labor is worth is you.
Mar 18, 2025
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Got some news yesterday about someone I love
Suddenly a lot of things mattered less
Some wishy washy desires became goals
For a little while I had X-ray vision
The world sped up and slowed down at the same time
— I didn’t like the news but I’m glad I know it, because it was already a thing, so better to know
All at once without warning I’m living on a different planet: it is barren, hostile, rocky, and dry
But I know there are treasures here. I’m going to find them.
Dec 22, 2024
Top Recs from @dominics_other_life
total journals: 7
times spent crying while journaling: 5
teardrop stains on journals: 0
paragraph texts unsent because of journaling: 43
crushes asked out: 3
chemistry notes even though no pages were supposed to be for school: 11
delusions: 86
pens used up: 5
dailly to-dos planned: 351
daily to-dos done: 5
angry/heart-broken scribbles: 29
top emotion this year: consolable
swearing prolifically on the rise
Dec 29, 2024
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can't get up,,, dog is sleeping, must not disturb, but feels so warmmm
Dec 30, 2024
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so lovely to see people I know but don't really know like the same things I do.
Dec 30, 2024