♥️
It’s been a little over two weeks since David Lynch’s passing and my partner and I are almost halfway through the second season of Twin Peaks (the notable ninth episode to be exact). It’s hard not to see thematic similarities between it and what’s going on in the world.
For those unfamiliar with the show, underneath the cliches of a 90s whodunnit TV drama, a lot of it deals with ideas of where evil comes from, where it resides within humanity, and how we are to grapple with it, especially in a modernized world. How do we bring it to justice? How do we fight back against the seemingly inescapable dark forces that surrounds us? Both the show and Lynch are infamous for leaving a lot of these questions shrouded in mystery though it does make one thing abundantly clear — we can’t do it on our own.
The show actually takes great lengths in showing the audience just how important it is to have good community and communication within that and how detrimental it can be when we don’t.
It can be easy for us to forget that just because we are all connected via the vast landscape of the internet that we don’t inherently share communion with one another without intentionality. In fact, I’ve been finding myself guilty of this quite often. Doomscrolling through my friends and family’s posts, reacting mindlessly without intention to go deeper — asking how they’re doing and what’s been going on in their world. We often take the face value of what people post and leave it at that and that is where I find myself failing the most.
The feelings of dread and despair can creep up on us so easily when we aren’t putting forth the work to seek community with one another, when we face our demons alone. As the adage goes: misery loves company. In that same vein: joy thrives in camaraderie!
How can we feel miserable when we’re in fellowship with people who genuinely care about us?
Everything can seem so big and scary when we are on our own but in the companionship of others, there isn’t anything we can’t overcome together.
There is a line in that particular episode spoken by the series protagonist Agent Dale Cooper in response to another character who argues whether it really matters or not what evil’s true nature is to which he responds: “Yes, because it’s our job to fight it”.
Whatever your personal belief is, whether it be based in any spirituality or science, we know that evil is out there. Call by any name you’d like: the darkness, the evil that men do, wickedness — none of us can deny its existence. The world very much is in a state of disarray and uncertainty, something a lot of us can’t help but feel overwhelmed by. Myself included. Yet the comfort I’ve been seeking has been in my friends; the community I’ve built for myself not just in Los Angeles, but back in Texas as with everywhere else in the world where I have made friends.
The only way out is through, there is no running away or hiding from the realities of what is happening and what will continue to happen in the future. But we don’t have to do it alone. That is probably the greatest disservice we can do in times like these, convincing ourselves that we have no one. Lynch knew this then, when he was writing this wacky show. Nobody can survive the horrors of this world alone.
Wherever you are, whether we’ve spoken yesterday or in years, I hope you know you have a friend in me. Reach out to others, stay connected in any ways that you can within your own limits. Just don’t keep at it alone. We’re all we’ve got and the light that derives from that is far stronger than anything the darkness can throw at us.
I love you all and stay safe out there.
Feb 6, 2025
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always worth noting too that “fix your hearts or die” is known for being said in the show about supporting trans people (also very relevant in these times!) 🌟
Feb 6, 2025
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It's been a week since my brother Jacob passed. He was the last person I expected to go—an extremely active cyclist, hiker, and traveler. We still don't know what exactly happened, but in a matter of only half an hour he went from making his breakfast to his heart stoping.
So many of his traits I admired so much felt like things I lacked; he was disciplined, reliable, and energetic. He traveled the world and made friends across the whole globe, it seems. He was always adept at math, a subject I always struggled with.
He was only 18 months my junior. I literally can't remember my life without Jacob in it. At some points in our childhood he felt like my shadow. Since we were homeschooled during the early years of my life we spent so much time together. I took that for granted, but now I'm so grateful for all the hours of fort building, hole digging, camping, biking, basketball, getting destroyed by him playing NBA Live and womping on him in Mortal Kombat.
I really regret simply assuming he knew how much I loved him. We were brothers. We fought, argued, and teased each-other. He was such an appendage to my day-to-day that I didn't ever stop to tell him how dear he was to me, how proud I was of all he'd done, how grateful I was for all he contributed around the house and with the family, and how jealous I was of his fearlessness with change and travel.
People ask how I'm holding up, and it's hard to answer because—all things considered— I am doing alright. The hardest times are when my brain and nervous system still haven't realized he's gone: hearing the creak of a door and expecting him to walk in after a bike ride—his cycling shoes clinking on the tile; learning some soccer news and wanting to text him about it; feeling eager to get his feedback on something I cooked.
But the most difficult thing has been encountering the pity and sorrow people have shown toward me, because that somehow reveals the scope of the loss and the depth to which folks cared about him and care about me. Knowing we share some impacts of this loss breaks my heart. I so deeply appreciate all the offers of help and reaching out, and yet I have nothing to offer. I have nothing for which to ask. My brain just short-circuits.
Perhaps the best thing you can do for me is to let your loved ones know how you feel. Find one person you have maybe taken for granted and share your love clearly so that they truly know how much you treasure them because they won't always be around.
May 6, 2024
content warning, i’ve never talked about this online.
Percbuddy is a chaotic avatar of cathartic self-expression and an intravenous connection to the internet.
“wanna be my perc buddy?” was a question given to Ethan Cooper by a young woman after a group rehab meeting in 2019, and it was the catalyst for my adoption of the name Percbuddy. I co-opted this name to create a character through which i gained the confidence to experiment with genre and songwriting.
two weeks before i planned to visit him In late 2022, Ethan had his life taken by a fake pill, reduced to a statistic in the nebulous “fentanyl crisis” when we were both 18.
He was a creative beam of light who inspired me endlessly- He gave me the name and was always my biggest supporter. It turned my life upside down, but it also gave so much more weight to Percbuddy and what it represented.
it’s difficult to articulate the feeling of the sudden and permanent absence of my best friend. it was a violent rug pull, and i lost all vision of my future.
the desire to completely destroy myself had never been more intense than at this point, but it somehow also never held less power over me. half of me begged to be snuffed out, while the other half clung onto life harder than ever before.
all i can do is live, and hope he can see me wherever he is, which is tough when the brightest light in my life was taken so young, giving me a million reasons to hate whatever higher power would be careless enough to let him die. He had written 3 feature films and a massive collection of short films. He had struggled in the past but was at the healthiest point in his life.
i’m truly hoping for an ascension to the 4th dimension when we die, allowing us to move across time as effortlessly as we move through space. I hope Ethan is omniscient, i hope he can read my thoughts, i pray to gods i don’t believe in that Ethan can still hear my music.
Ethan Cooper was stolen from the people who loved him, stolen from a world which could have been a better place with his work in it.
the emptiness he left behind can never be filled. Art and Music are my coping mechanisms , pop music is how i distract myself , and creating through percbuddy is how i keep his memory alive.
May 29, 2025
♥️
I watched my brother die of cancer at 22 when I was twelve, as well as my uncle of brain cancer and a few other members of my family. I then had a similar type of rare sarcoma cancer that my brother did when i was 20, and I was just talking to friends about this last night!
I think the most powerful thing we can do as humans is understand our mortality. Once we understand that we're just meat sacks with no universal truth beside death, we can exist in a manner that aligns with meaningful connection.
I advise you tell people things you need to tell them, whether you love them or you think something they're doing is not serving them.
Be justified and trusting in all your decisions for yourself because you have to now.
I'm so sorry this is coming as a shock to you so suddenly. this is hard shit to reckon with at first. But just like my brother said while being interviewed on CNN during our MLB ballpark tour raising awareness in '06:
"I live every day like I'm dying"
Jul 25, 2024
