♥️
An old man comes into my line , hunched over and dragging his feet,
As he puts items on the conveyor belt i see his knuckles white, and taunt with letters spelling “R-I-T-A”
RITA reveals his youth to me, she paints à vision of the couple behind him
I can see him standing with à woman, who’s young with à soft voice that creeps under the music my job is playing.
She buys à single bag of candy smiling as her child pulls on her arm.
Her partner, doesn’t seem to match the town we’re in and when he puts cash on the counter his knuckles read “R-I-C-O” instead,
RICO’s face mixes into someone from home and I wonder if he’ll live the same life as the man in front of him or meet the same fate as the latter.
Will he be able to retire in à sleepy town like Rita’s lover?
Or will he die young, far away from the smiling girl trying to prove himself?
His mother would wake up in à cold sweat to 30 missed calls. She’ll think of him at 6, nervous for his first day of school and collapse on the floor at his funeral. His childhood friends would rush over even though they haven’t seen him outside of Facebook in 16 years
But they’ll remember the important things, like him learning to ride his bike and getting à tattoo to match his dad for his approval even though it didn’t work. His dad would look at the casket and shed his first tears in à decade realizing that perhaps he was too hard like his father before him
After the quiet of the funeral, his friend would go back home to his empty apartment and have à longing for home and feel the need to visit home to see his mother to reminisce.
She would be the woman coming into my line now. Smile lines reveal to me the years of joy he’s brought her and in her bag, 6 oranges symbolizing good luck. She tells me the good news of her son visiting and tells me while talking that hes far older than me
I smile and ask her to guess my age “17” she says proudly. I feel disappointed that she didnt guess correctly. Everyone says that I’ll miss these years of mistaken Identity. But in my youth I wish to skip it. At age 20 , I wish I had à life of tattoos and lines that express à life full of laughs
I’m aware that with this change that no one will see me as the girl that I am anymore but this refined thing. No one would see me as carefree and fun loving as à mother but irresponsible and immature. At the young age of 40 no one will see me as curious but nosy and stupid
By then I won't be insecure but desperate, by then I should be wise.
I wonder if the woman in front of me remembers her first boyfriend vividly or her mother cutting her deeply for the first time or does she just feel the grooves that have been carried in her
At 60 will she remember being at the edge of the windowsill at 14 and view it as an error of her youth? And when she saw the same signs of decline in her own daughter will she ignore it like her mother had done her and instead clasp her daughters hands in prayer and force her to her knees. Or would she view her daughter pulling away as necessary instead of à sign of abandonment and remember that in her youth she was her daughter and vice versa
Feb 13, 2025
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes it’s just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. It’s a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and I’m angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day she’ll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I can’t let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe it’s all for the best, maybe I’m being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe that‘s all the time meant for us. I don’t know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
⭐
I called up my 99-year-old grandmother the other day.
“Hello?” she said.
“Hey Grandma, it’s William. I missed your call last night. Is everything okay? How are you?” I said.
“Oh hi William. Yes. I’m fine. Thank you” she replied.
Her voice sounded dazed and soft. She held back her usual grandmotherly enthusiasm and silliness in favor of a more direct candor. It was around 9:30 in the morning. My phone call must have woken her up. She seemed both awake and asleep. She began speaking, “I just had the strangest dream. It was my 100th birthday and a news crew was there waiting outside my door when I woke up. They had cameras and lights in my face and everyone was on the street cheering. Anderson Cooper was there and he congratulated me. He looked into my eyes and stuck a microphone in my face and the cameras were rolling and everything. And everyone I ever knew was there. They looked at me and cheered and sang. Frank Sinatra was there and he sang ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ to me and spun me around the front entrance of my house. Right in front of everyone. And Buddy Hackett was there. And he cracked jokes and made everyone laugh. He said he remembered me from high school in Brooklyn and that I was always top of the class. And The Righteous Brothers. They were there too. They had their suits buttoned all the way to the top and their hair slicked back real nice. And they looked right out of a magazine. They sang ‘Unchained Melody’ to me and your grandfather. He was there too. He looked plump and his face rosy. His hair was big and bushy and he smiled his uneven smile at me. As they played ‘Unchained Melody’ he grabbed my hand and we had our first dance again. We swayed back and forth and got married all over again. And he told me he loved me and he always had. He said he was happy about how much life I have lived. And he told me not to be upset about how much he had missed, because he hadn’t really missed it. And my parents were there too. Carmelo and Maria. And they looked on and smiled. They still didn’t understand the words of the song, but they knew what it meant. And my uncle Zitzi. The bricklayer. He was there too. Looking the same as he always had. Big and burly, with arms like tree trunks, just like I remembered him. He held out his arms and the kids swung on them like monkeys. He told me he was proud of me. Of who I became. Of how strong I was. He said he was proud to have laid all those bricks. Each and every one. Because it helped feed us kids during the Depression when nobody else could. Because each brick made him stronger and gave him meaning. And everything I’d ever cooked was there. Every meatball and rice ball I’d ever formed in my hands and fried for my grandkids. For my kids. For everyone. Every piece of pasta I’d ever boiled. Every crab and shrimp, squid and clam, mussel and scallop. It formed a mountain that could touch the clouds. It surrounded us with gluten, red meat, shellfish, and tomatoes. A monument to the generations that left my house full and picking their teeth. It made the decades of burns and cuts long healed feel healed again. And Joe Torre was there, with Jorge Posada and Mariano Rivera. They were in pinstripes and they forgave me for all the things I shouted at the TV. They forgave me for calling them bums. They thanked me for cheering and said I helped them win each game. And there were slot machines. Slot machines just like they had in Atlantic City. They were everywhere and their big levers were all pulled down. Every slot machine I had ever played was there and this time they all came up cherries. Cherries, three across on every machine. They were all jackpots and the change poured out of them like a geyser. Every single one was a winner. Everyone was there and everyone won. Can you believe it? Everyone. All of them were there in front of me. Looking at me on my 100th birthday. Everyone was there and everyone had seen how old I’d gotten. It was a nightmare.”
Oct 17, 2024
🥃
This early draft i started writing in 2023 about my observations of a couple of close family members
The events I describe occurred in late 2022 and Jim ended up passing away from complications of his alcoholism in January 2023 (his death convinced my own father to quit drinking). Jim taught me how to shoot and his favorite activity was going to the range. We had countless conversations over black coffee about his childhood in Ireland, the writings of James Joyce, and the film adaptations of Tennessee Williams’s work. He was tremendously charming and had a sharp sense of humor. I was like the daughter he never had and I loved the bastard! May he rest in peace. (Might have to finish writing this…)
—
“Catherine had a mind like a pit bull. Whatever the obstacle that presented itself in front of her, she would attack it with unrelenting determination. She always got her way.
She had never come across a problem she couldn’t fix, except for what her brother had become.
It’s not like she had a lot of money, but she felt it was her duty to help her brother. She went into thousands of dollars of debt procuring for him new furniture that would hopefully give him a new lease on life: a tasteful grey tweed three-seater sofa; a cozy armchair with a matching footstool befitting a family patriarch; a mid-century modern wooden coffee table; an oversized gold tripod lamp with a barrel shade.
She felt she could trigger a powerful change if she could just replace the trappings of his old life which were so loaded with bad memories — memories from before, in the blink of an eye, it had became apparent to her that Jim was in his final death spiral. If life looked normal, life could become normal.
Denial is a powerful drug, almost as powerful as the liter of Fireball Jim would drink every day, metered out and portioned into little airline-sized bottles so he could retain some semblance of control. He would hide them in his dresser drawers, outside amongst his tools on the front porch, in the kitchen cabinets, under the bathroom sink.
She would discover them time and time again, after he had promised to her that he would stop. She would confront him with the evidence each time he betrayed her. If she could just make him feel an appropriate amount of shame, he would surely see the error of his ways.
He had to be drunk all day every day, or he would get the DTs like he had before. He couldn’t take time off of work to go to rehab, he said; he had already been given a special work-from-home accommodation and was still on the verge of being fired for absenteeism. And plus, he was running out of days of covered inpatient rehabilitation treatment under Medicare.“
May 14, 2024
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