Words appear as I think them like a karaoke video in serif font on a white background. Sometimes I’ll be doing the dishes and I’ll start repeating paragraphs I’ve drafted and editing and rearranging them and adding to them in my mind and they shift around visually as I’m doing it. Sometimes other words or phrases will get caught in there and they’ll quietly pass back and forth like a sky banner. Songs are often drifting through—right now it’s Pale September by Fiona Apple—and if there’s a particularly beautiful or resonant part it’ll loop through that snippet a few times.
I think almost entirely in words, in monologue and in text, with very faint flashes of associative images—I imagine this is to protect me from the dark and horrific things I’ve seen in my life that would be too much to bear if I were to be exposed to them in such a visceral way. I can’t rotate or even envision a shape to save my life.
Rarely, strong images will appear to me in conscious life—I remember lying in bed, about to fall asleep, and suddenly seeing from the point of view of an investigator entering a pitch black cave with a lantern held in his hand as his only light, about to discover something terrible, no doubt.
My dreams are vivid and laden with powerful symbolism, and usually there is a sense of being too afraid to fully step into my power or claim what’s mine.
I have the memory of an elephant, with everything filed in nearly chronological order. I’m sure I tend to embellish and dramatize without realizing but then I think my memories speak to a certain distilled emotional truth, more accurate than pure facts. Sometimes there are some incredible blind spots in my perception that I don’t realize existed until years later.
I analyze and intellectualize everything. I’ve been told that my mind is obsessive and tends to fixate. Sometimes the emotions that I keep trapped in the basement push their way up through the trap door and threaten to stampede me as their captor but I manage to stuff them back down again until I’m ready to let them go; some of them may never see the light of day.
Feb 15, 2025
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Sometimes i get the same thing as you where words or blurbs will pop up like a bouncey-ball sing-along/karaoke jam. That’s so cool!
Feb 16, 2025
dakotablue it feels like a really wonderful gift even though it can often lead to terrible analysis paralysis if left unchecked and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be less burdened by crushing self awareness lol
Feb 15, 2025
taterhole lol i tell myself that all the time. and my mantra is don’t like the analysis lead to paralysis. are you good with remembering faces?
Feb 15, 2025
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Big navel gazer here; I often start in a delusionally romantic state of viewing things and evolve to a kind of reserved pragmatism through the process critical examination. Lately, writing has been like preserving these ephemeral states in amber, coexisting in a state of delicious permanence I can return to, instead of allowing them to wash away with the tides. This ultimately helps me engage more deeply with the world.
Jan 14, 2025
Sometimes I feel terrified. Then I wonder, DAMN. It's in my own head and on my own clock. Can't I let my imagination take over in a GOOD way? A wildly fantastic whatever I like and want way?
I can give myself that.
Mar 29, 2025
I don't really know how to start this post, so I'll let out the word vomit.
As days pass, I sometimes find myself more confident, appreciating my physical appearance and grateful for what I can handle mentally and emotionally. Some days I acknowledge I'm smart, pretty, funny.
Yet other times I can't see any of that.
A lot of times I don't really see myself as pretty, incapable of remembering a simple equation, I feel as if I'm a wet towel thrown on my friend's and loved ones. Maybe I compare myself to others often and that's my issue, that I see myself as lowly yet other times I put my self worth as high.
I'm a very back and forth kind of girl if you didn't know already. I do have my moments however when I give in and embrace what I am, a girl who spends more time doing my makeup than studying, and what I enjoy like playing Hello Kitty games when I finish schoolwork or watch reality television, maybe spiral into a rabbit hole of lore after learning about a new game.
But I can't deny the weirdness I feel when nobody understands what I'm talking about.
They say 'to be cringe is to be free' but God does it make you writhe with displeasure when you're the cringey one.
I'm coming to accept and realize that I can be harsh and cruel to myself, especially when it comes to my abilities to perform hobbies I'm passionate about. I've stopped drawing for a month because of these impending thoughts.
It's like wearing a suit of flesh in hopes of getting some idea of what you are for some sense of clarity.
Maybe it's because I am just a girl, or it's the human experience nobody talks about. If we did, maybe we wouldn't feel as alone or awkward but oh well, what can you do?
Slowly but surely I have come to accept and embrace myself despite the faults I carry.
Feb 19, 2025
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“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
— Anaïs Nin
This is uncharacteristically raw and personal, even for me, and pretty heavy! I know many of you have seen me posting through it and I feel safe to talk about it openly now that I’ve safely landed at the start of my new life. It’s honestly even a little bit embarrassing but I think it’s important to share.
I’ve never publicly mentioned it on here, but I have a husband; as of Friday, we’d have been together for 11 years, and we’ve been married for 3 years as of 2/22. I realize now that I wanted to explore what I looked like outside of my relationship with him because I had lost that. This is why PI.FYI has been so meaningful to me as a space to express myself and connect with people—to rediscover my voice.
I had been living a lie this entire time, to others but worst of all to myself. He’s been verbally and emotionally abusive, physically but without touching me, to the point that every day I spent with him I was in danger. I’ve been shrinking myself and walking on eggshells to avoid making him insecure and provoking his casual put-downs and fits of rage, while hanging on for dear life to the threads of good I could see.
I’ve wanted so badly to leave, more than anything, but I felt like there was no way out and that this was just something I would need to endure indefinitely—but someone who is so very dear to me helped me see that I have wings to fly, not by acting as my savior but by reminding me of my own power. The emotional safety they built and the gentle care they showed me made me feel like I could open up to them. With their encouragement I was brave enough to tell the truth to my friends, my family, my boss, and they have received me with warm, loving and open arms and rallied to support and protect me. The financial and logistical aspects were the most intimidating to me and it’s going to be tough for a while but I’m going to be better than okay!
Now I’m opening up to you. This isn’t the only abuse I’ve suffered in my life, and my old therapist told me she believed it was my mission to share my strength and light with others to inspire them and show them that change is possible.
I hope that by sharing this, I can reach even just one person who is going through something similar and show that they are not alone, and they are not weak. People with certain backgrounds may be more vulnerable to abuse, but it can happen to anyone. It thrives in darkness, shame, and isolation—and breaking that silence is the first step toward freedom.
Leaving is the scariest thing I have ever done but I have so many angels around me, and I am endlessly grateful. Thank you for being here with me 💌
Mar 16, 2025
My dad teases me about how when I was a little kid, my favorite thing to do when I was on the landline phone with somebody—be it a relative or one of my best friends—was to breathlessly describe the things that were in my bedroom so that they could have a mental picture of everything I loved and chose to surround myself with, and where I sat at that moment in time. Perfectly Imperfect reminds me of that so thanks for always listening and for sharing with me too 💌
Feb 23, 2025
Schedule sent my resignation email for the morning, effective immediately ✅💅
Feb 27, 2025