I used to have severe social anxiety to the point where I couldnât look people in the eye. That was 20 years ago now (god, Iâm getting old) and now many people mistake me for an extrovert. What has helped me most is practice. Talk to people, have the awkward moments, and discover you survive! It is vulnerable to open ourselves to others, but itâs also incredibly courageous. It builds your confidence and helps you to silence those anxious inner voices that tell you that every social faux pas is certain death.
Here are some lessons that Iâve learned.
- Test out your fears. Are they real or are people more generous/supportive than you expect? A lot of times, weâre being hard on ourselves because weâre afraid others will be hard on us. Just as often, people are generous, kind, and understanding. Let them surprise you!
- You feel more nervous/awkward than others will experience you. Or maybe they feel the same about themselves! Besides, itâs okay to be nervous. It just means you care and youâre invested in the interaction.
- If you feel stuck, ask people questions. Keep a couple of open-ended questions in your back pocket to get people talking. We love talking about ourselves and it opens doors for dialogue and connection.
- Slow down and leave space. Donât feel pressure to fill every pause with a sound. Fill those pauses with your presence. Silence gives you time to think and digest whatâs already been said.
- Conversation and connection are about discovery. Approach them with curiosity and see whatâs possible! This isnât about knowing your lines like a stage play. Itâs improv, baby! Show up and see what unfolds.
- Finally, be gentle with yourself. No one is perfect. We all stutter and stumble, say dumb stuff, and even put people off! Keep trying to connect and you will find your people.
Good luck and much love to you! đ
Apr 27, 2025
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used to struggle a lot with this, was definitely due in part to a lot of insecurity but also some diagnosed anxiety issues. medication helped for me with the latter, but the insecurity I def had to tackle as I got older.
one thing that helped me was framing interactions differently. with an insecure mindset, each interaction has the subconscious goal to have the other person like you. thatâs a lot of pressure! of course that will make you nervous if you feel like youâre always being evaluated. truth is some people wonât like you, some people will really like you, but most folks that you only meet in passing arenât really thinking deeper than the immediate interaction and will find you pleasant if you have basic manners and such. ultimately, though, itâs entirely out of your control how others will perceptive you!
instead, I found that interactions are best if you approach them with authenticity and curiosity. all you gotta do is be your true self, people will think what they may but at least youâre being perceived as you and not you trying to perform how you think will be best received. and people generally want to know the people they're around! you should bring that assumption and just let the other person know you. you donât need to be funny or an expert story teller, getting to know someone can be rewarding in and of itself. and youâre worth knowing! internalizing that truth will develop confidence.
in turn, get to know them! over the course of a conversation, you can really learn a lot about someone by just asking questions as they come up. be curious! itâs not prying, people love talking about who they are (within reason obv). interactions are hard if you donât have anything to go off of, and that will always be awkward. so your goal is just to get to know a bit about who the person youâre interacting with is, maybe youâll find something that resonates and then the interaction will come so naturally.
ultimately, no one thinks about you more than yourself. and thatâs not to say youâre insignificant, but most people are too busy thinking about themselves to think too hard about you. whatever little minor thing you did or said, or how you looked or acted, so much of that will not be scrutinized by someone else nearly to the point youâll scrutinize it because you think theyâre scrutinizing it. find some relief knowing that youâre not being microanalyzed by anything other than your own insecurity, and you can choose not to listen.
May 13, 2024
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Some people are just better at handling it than others. Remember that itâs likely nobody is thinking about you as much as youâre thinking about yourself! If people are judging you, this is something you can either learn and grow from if you do something legitimately wrong, or theyâre just being rude and critical for no reason and thatâs a reflection on them. Give others grace, patience, and the benefit of the doubt and hopefully theyâll do the same for you.
Not everybody will like you and thatâs okay! And as much as we would like to think we can and as much effort as some may put into it, we can never truly control the way others perceive us. Find ways to develop self esteem and confidence that comes from within based off of traits you admire and respect about yourself regardless of what other people think.
I would recommend that you undergo DIY exposure therapy by throwing yourself into lots of social scenarios big and small that make you blush and shake and feel like you want to crawl out of your skin. Go into public places and force yourself to make pleasant small talk with strangers + share something small about yourself with them! Ask people about themselves! Go to a party or an event and make it a goal to talk to X number of people.
But also remember that you donât have to share your whole personality with everyone you meet and depending on the context and circumstances it may not even be appropriate to do so. So maybe start with identifying aspects of your personality you want to show most consistently with everyone you meet and go from there!
May 16, 2024
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Put yourself into increasingly mortifying social situations that make you think what am I even doing here and participate fully (bonus if itâs performance-arts-related). Remember to take deep breaths! Try to keep in mind that nobody is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself. Develop your self-esteem and believe that though thereâs always room for self-improvement, who you are is enough. Trust that most people are kind and understanding and if they arenât thatâs a reflection of their own moral character. The physiological feelings of anxiety might never go away but you can learn to react to them!
Apr 12, 2024
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Iâm not a parent and do not plan to be. Kids can wear me out fast with their high energy and noise level; it leaves me very over-stimulated. But itâs pretty extreme when people say they âhate kidsâ and I often feel itâs a reflection of their childhood and beliefs around how kids âshould be.â That they were expected to be quiet, obedient, and out of the way by their parents when they were little.
Itâs fucking hard to be a kid. Youâre dealing with a rapidly-changing body and underdeveloped brain, managed by flawed adults who are enforcing boundaries that you do not understand. Itâs confusing and hard to manage your feelings and honestly just a lot.
People are impatient with kids when theyâre brand new to the world and figuring it all out, and this is a time kids need a friend the most. Children can also be teachers to adults with how they are less habituated to the world. They teach us how to be free and open-hearted and silly and imaginative.
A good practice is to be kinder and gentler with kids. If that feels difficult, start with gentleness toward your inner child. Maybe thatâs the child in your life that needs your attention and kindness most.
Apr 16, 2025
I meant to post this yesterday. Absolutely beautiful morning for walk.
This morning is also beautiful but in a spring rain kind of way.
Mar 23, 2025
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Prescriptive gender is a prison. Rather than gender being a form of self-expression, gender is treated as a pass/fail test for how well you can conform to cultural expectations.
Since I was young, I remember feeling a great deal of pressure to conform to these expectations around what âmenâ are meant to be. You like sports, cars, womanizing, aggression, and not having feelings. I felt so distant from this ideal. I was sensitive and shy, and I preferred spending my time being creative in some way
For a long time, I felt like I was failing at âbeing a man.â In many ways I was! Because I didnât need to bea man. All I needed to be was myself.
Itâs taken me a long time to separate myself from prescriptive gender, sharpening in on which aspects of masculine energy I identify with and which I donât. Iâm not done yet. Maybe I will never fully be. The self continues to evolve over time, and I suspect aspects of my gender will too.
Mar 15, 2025