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the life i so desperately want to live, moving city to city working odd jobs and writing and experiencing the full spectrum of the human condition, if only i was not so thoroughly enslaved by my relatively comfortable and privileged environment.
Hopefully one day a straw will break my camel’s back and I‘ll quit my job and point my thumb down the highway or find an empty boxcar to ride far away, but realistically i will keep running in the rat race because i am inherently terrified to take such leaps of faith
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So I'm up. Thinking and feeling this unsettling feeling of how I'm not made for this place. It's comfortable, but doesn't feel mine. I want, I need to be in a bigger, better place. Ever since I was a child (who grew up in a teeny tiny town), I've always known I'm made for a bigger place(outside this country), and now that I've grown up and moved to a bigger city(in the same country, unfortunately) I can't help but feel this dread of not being able to ever experience the life I wanted. I've grown up watching all these shows on disney and HBO and everything that showed me what life outside my country is like, and I've wanted nothing more than to experience it. But what if I never get to do it? I'm in my mid twenties already. I need neeeed to experience that life. I'm filled with this dread, but also there's something calling to me. I know in my gut that I'm made for bigger things and that this is not it. I'm waiting for things to fall into place for me. I hope one day I come back and look at this post and comment "I made it".
Mar 22, 2025
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my coworker has been trying to get me to quit my job and move. he travels a lot and is only passing through til he can get enough money to go to whatever’s next. he‘s really upfront about why he does what he does but he’s also very genuine in connecting with the people around him. he‘s really into seeing the world in all different perspectives and nothing’s that serious to him besides his music. he just takes opportunities when theyre given to him.
we work a lot of late nights and both of us seem to be prone to conversations about The World and Humanity and all that. but where he’s been going with this is very boldly telling me im wasting my time and need to find some direction. every shift i work with him he’s telling me to just do it. move and work it out later. figure out some direction.
if im being honest (which i do recommend) i’m petrified. and i haven’t even begun to work out why that is, when i know i’m not living up to my potential. i have to stop trying to plan out these life changes i’m trying to make, big and small, and just start fucking doing it. if it works it works, if it doesn’t then i’ll figure it out.
i kinda burnt out around 20. i dropped out of college and worked a couple jobs i hated and that’s about it. i dated my high school sweetheart until 4 days before my 25th birthday last november. ive been trying to find my footing as not only an adult but an individual with an identity outside of the person they were in a relationship with, or the job they have. and again, if i’m being honest, i’m petrified to face all the time ive wasted doing absolutely nothing with my life.
i don’t want the tone of this to feel abysmal; i love my life and the people in it. i’m beyond fortunate for the experiences ive had and the love i have. i’m just so ready for change and this coworker has me thinking i should just go for it. yeah, i need to save up a little money. but i can buckle down and having the goal of moving to another state is a good reason to stop wasting so much of it on pointless stuff.
anyway, it’s 2:39am and i have to brush my teeth and go to bed. it was was a long night at work but tomorrow im gonna thank my coworker for the quarter life crisis he keeps explicitly encourages me to have. i won’t tell him i cried a little after he told me it’s sad i still work at this job, but i needed to hear that. someone needed to be honest with me
Apr 1, 2025
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been feeling v compelled lately to practice self-respect in the form of dedicating time and energy into honing my creative skills despite the loathsome grind of my 8 - 5 job.
i spent a lot of time and money and emotional energy to get the job i have now and i don't hate what i do but i do know that there's more to all of this beautiful life than playing it safe and getting sucked into a monotonous cycle.
loving and respecting myself means devoting myself to my higher aspirations. deep down i know my soul glows brightest when i create and i'm seen thru that work.
i'm on a ferocious pursuit to brighten that glow every day and i hope you are too if you feel that same impulse.
Feb 13, 2024
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Who cares don’t be so serious you’re allowed to horse around a little
Mar 16, 2025
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in tight contention for my #1 favorite physical activity, especially when your willing participant has a good ratio of scalp scratching and head squeezing to hair twirling. Can even outrank sex on a good day.
Mar 27, 2025
Mar 16, 2025