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Crashing out on here instead of instagram

TW: weight n overeating mentions Sorry everyone!! I guess I am on a streak of being a debbie downer rn. It just kind of feels like the walls are caving in on me but doesn't everyone feel like that????? I am just feeling super crazy and over-reactive recently. Here is the run down of my situation right now: I am nineteen years old, currently on winter break for community college, I live with family, I'm still working on my license. I just have feel so trapped recently, most likely because I don't have my license (fml). I haven't seen most of my friends in a month (which feels very weird, not blaming anyone for this. people get busy & tired, I understand.) Living with family sucks! but it's weird, my parents support me financially and i know they care for me but I think I am just too emotional for the people I live with. I kind of learned to not really speak about emotional matters, not in like a, my parents were abusive kind of way, but I could just tell that wasn't really what my parents were there for. I sought out emotional connections with friends and stuff but I have been kind of going through a weird period right now where I am trying to not rely on them so much and regulate by myself i guess? idk. ANYWAYS, LETS GET DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY! What is the reasoning of my crashout? wellllll, my mother has been becoming increasingly critical of my looks again. I've always had a skin-picking and overeating problem. The result of this? so. many. facial scars. and also being extremely overweight for how ever long I could remember. (from the handful of times I've been to therapy, I was told these are probably compulsions to sooth anxiety? idk. I need to go to more sessions). Over the years, I have learned to accept myself and how I look. Through this acceptance, I have also been working on these issues. Unfortunately, my mom hasn't accepted this part of me. My mom and I have been spending a loootttttt of time together recently because she's teaching me how to drive and I have just been home alone with her more. I've come to a realization that looks mean a lot to her, (it's not her fault honestly, Filipino beauty standards are unfortunately super brutal). So, throughout my life, shes always had me drinking weird supplements and trying different gimicky products to either lighten my skin or have me shed a couple pounds, surprisingly, none of them ever worked! We've had our fair share of fights about my appearances and whatnot, it stopped affecting me. Buttt, like I said before, I'm in this weird period of my life right now where I am trying to heal and whatever and be at least a little self sufficient (this is every nineteen year old girl of me, I know). So I'm doing my skincare daily now, trying to eat my fruits and veggies, do chores, move my body, the whole shebang if you will. but old habits die hard, and from time to time I'm caught picking at my skin, or holy shit why am i changing what i eat???? and yeah. Family is nice till they tease you about how you're trying to change for good and for some reason it is FUCKING EMBARRASSING! My mom asked me when I was gonna lose weight the other day. It was so random and out of the blue that it caught me completely off guard and really fucking got to me. After she said that I got quiet, and she said "It's okay. I don't care anyways." But like why the fuck would you say that??? She knows I've had a past with my weight and my eating habits. Like why the fuck would you say that to me?? I cried for hours that night. I even cried about it the days after. Then today, I was out with my sister and we were getting takeout for dinner tonight, I called my mom to see what she wanted, she told me what she wanted but she doesn't know the name of it so i got her a completely different thing. and she was like "i'll just cook something its okay. you'll eat it later" and I told her no, I just ate dinner I am not eating anything else tonight, and she just went "Ohh really? Ok good. You're trying to get skinny. That's good." GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT!!!! My sister tried to tell her off "Mommmm, don't say that." but she just kept going, "What? Why not? How is that bad. Why is it bad she's trying to lose weight." I kind of shut down and started putting stuff away. I threw out the trash and just couldn't stop crying outside so I just stormed off into my room because the waterworks were unfortunately starting for the night. It was made worse by the fact that I could hear her talking to my sister about me. I know it's for the better that I am not so emotionally cold anymore but god, I just wish I could tough out the comments still. But that's the end of this post, I'll post something less edgy and less sad soon I promise!!!!!

@souponaroof

Jan 9, 2025

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Remembering fed is best

If you’re hungry but questioning how “healthy” a food or meal is—but the alternative is that you don’t eat at all—that food or meal is healthy by default. Eat! (former nutritionist who often has to say this to myself too, as chronic illness increases the risk of disordered eating and just being hella stressed doesn’t help either)

@thickrimmedgirl

Mar 19, 2024

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FEELING BAD ABOUT WHAT AND HOW MUCH I EAT

i might fall for it sometimes but i’m actively resisting it’s mine and no one else’s business what i eat so if i’m more conscious of my eating it should at least be under my own control rather than what people on the internet or irl think i’m not falling for fake concern or judging/policing, literally nothing annoys me more (and i’ve talked about this before) than people online talking saying stuff like ‘i’m just concerned’ or pretending they actually care about people they’re shaming for their weight or what they eat when they’re just doing it to feel superior

@jonesy

Jun 4, 2025

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I THINK HAVING A MR BEAST OF OUR OWN IS ANTITHETICAL TO THE POINT OF THIS COMMUNITY

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