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NOT BEATING YOURSELF UP

The dial that controls my creative output has not been cranked to the max lately and I’ve been getting upset at myself for it. Its felt like I’ve been wasting my free time by doing things that I like instead of things that are productive, and in turn enjoying those things less because I’m thinking about how I should be bettering myself or my world in some way. I know there will be a time when the juices flow again because they have once before, and while I am in this dry spell I’m trying not to crucify myself too rigorously for not doing much writing and instead trying to make it to the end of the day without telling myself that I need to kill myself too many times to be deemed socially or even asocially acceptable. Maybe a less prideful individual would just call it being depressed, but I must convolute around taking the easy way out and chalking it up to some misfiring neurons to instead convince myself that I am a cog in some unknowable cosmic engine and I simply must wait for some 7th dimensional machine elf to power me back on before Feeling Like Myself Again

@thehumancondition

Jun 5, 2025

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Its difficult to get my mind in the right place

These past few weeks my mind has felt so all over the place, up and down constantly where I struggle to understand if I’ve made any progress. Consumed by a constant need to keep my mind occupied coupled with a deep sense of loneliness when people don’t respond, I end up scrolling through social media to take up my time only to question if what I feel is justified or real. I try to ask for help but wonder if I should be putting my friends through my constant episodes of anxiety and depression. I’m trying to keep my mind occupied in more conservative ways, maybe this app will help. So how come I can perfectly understand what and why yet I struggle to grasp and control it.

@stinkylu

Dec 28, 2024

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realizing that you matter

maybe that sounds a little annoying, but i used to wait around for a surge of manic energy to hit me in order to find the motivation to get out of bed and do things. these days, i try to remind myself that i matter, and if i care about myself then i should do things for my mind and body that are fulfilling. this isn’t perfect, and there are definitely still bad days. but you owe it to yourself to try, i hope things get easier :)

@avril

May 6, 2024

Top Recs from @shlotshlot

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THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST

having read fear and loathing in las vegas a lil earlier in the month, i got really interested in new journalism in the american southwest with a specific focus on drug culture in the american southwest. tom wolfe is, similar to hunter s thompson, gifted in creating a poignant and vivid landscape of american grandeur, excess, and longing. highly recommend to anyone who likes new journalism or is interested in the 60s acid craze.

@shlotshlot

5d ago

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THE URGE TO DISAPPEAR

it’s not suicidal ideation it’s something meaningfully different, the feeling of wanting to phase out of existence for a few days/weeks/months/years and come back when you’re ready. i feel like my entire life ive hinged my willingness to live on far flung dates in the future. i have a vivid memory of me being in 8 years old convincing myself everything will be alright if i can just live to see the premiere of the need for speed movie (i never watched it). the need to have something in the distance to live for is something i wish came endemically, but instead im constantly searching for whatever thing/person i need to stake my life on. it’s why i think i want to disappear for a bit, just to see if anything changes. maybe i need some r&r or maybe i need to get a grip. jury’s out.

@shlotshlot

Jun 7, 2025

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THE NEED TO BELONG TO A PLACE, PERSON, OR THING

i used to find it strange how much emphasis i put on belonging. my mother impressed upon me as a child that sentimentality to a place was unnecessary and ultimately detrimental, her viewpoint forged by a detachment to the country she'd fled at 24 following two wars. i think that just made me grow to desire belonging more, alongside the fact that i was keenly aware of my status as an 'outsider' within the country i was raised in, a 'third culture kid' (i hate that term). i tried to fashion a home out of my highschool campus, lingering far beyond the end of school to greet the kids who were coming back from track and field practice or band, feeling as though i was a staple of their rest periods, staying over until late in the evening. that was cut short in 2020, i dont think i really recovered from it. i spent the first few years after high school convincing myself that i needn't a concrete, tangible place to belong and anchor myself to, that the tendency i had to linger around my old campus was holding me back, that instead i should look to belong to people rather than places. paradoxically, i instead learned to belong to my ex-partner's dorm room, where i'd nap before classes and linger while she'd be away, and would dread going back to my apartment and instead relish in the transient time spent out of time. the next few years i convinced myself that i did, in fact, need a place to belong to in this sprawlingly hostile city, somewhere where i felt welcomed yet simultaneously naturally blended in the background of. my vampiric constitution meant i had a hard time impressing myself upon cafes, clubs, libraries, or other third spaces, always feeling like i needed a direct invitation in, as though i somehow wasn't welcome; as though i wasn't human. i rubber-banded back to that initial predisposition i had when i first entered university, looking for someone whom i could attach myself to. and it worked for a while, i felt accomplished and i felt happy being in service and of use to somebody, but i realize now that was no real way to live, and that i'd largely shirked my own comfort and wants in favour of appeasement at all costs just for the chance at maybe finally belonging to something. ive begun going to the same coffee shops and bookstores on daily walks. its nice to feel recognized, to feel seen by other people and reciprocate that feeling back. i don't know how to live with it, but i want to stop living without it. i find a lot of hegel a little reductive, but the one point that neo-hegelians stress that i think is crucial is the need to see yourself reflected in others. go outside, talk to someone, but most importantly foster connections so you can see yourself reflected in other people and places.

@shlotshlot

Jun 11, 2025