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Honestly my whole life I been by myself, and you might wonder what I mean by that? jajaaj welp, let me tell you a story about me.
i struggled early on life due to my father addictions and violent personality, my mother passed away early on too and I gactually got to live with her until 6-7. After that, all I knew was loneliess, I have a brother but he was very brotherly I would say, because we got a long sometimes and sometimes we don't.
apart from this i got a stepmother, which had child-like personality so we got a long just like kids. she is a very nice person and struggled a lot by my father sides. we all struggled by his side a lot as he is also a narcisistic. everything had to be about him and so on.
i say i been alone, because with my surrondings i was always separeted from the people that truly cared for me and the people that were around didn't really see me, because of this i always had to deal with my emotions by myself and became a very quiet kid. it was awful to put up with shit and always blame it on myself, because that's what everybody is saying.
growing up with very emotionally distant people, always leave you the lonely scar. this is why i always wanted to have friends, but in a weird way jajjaja i was very awkward too and violent. i did a lot of things to impress people or to like them, things like putting down other people, or doing silly things in front of everybody.
all of this has resulted in me needing therapy (and graduating!) and needing people to approve of me. honestly, i can't pin point the thoughts i had when the need to impress taked over me as they were like the usual.
i feel like i been rambling around my loneliness, but that also felt like context. i am now a very different person honestly, but the sadness of not fitting in my family (because i moved out on my own and stopped talking to the rotten ones in my family) and seeing everybody else talking about their mothers and fathers, makes me feel so bad. like i understand that we musn't look to the other persons plate, but when you do and see how empty yours is, is difficult to not go crazy.
i crash out from time to time and i allow myself to do so, becuase is fucking hard. i live on my own by my own means in this ECONOMY, so that just mades everything worse. i hate to see people with parents that actually lookout for them, like no matter what they do they parents will always be there to support them. i hate happy families, and the thing my little self always says in the back when i see this is "why not me?"
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Since some big life changes that have left me feeling incredibly alone. I’ve had time to reflect on it and I wanted to share what has helped me so far..
1. loneliness, in its solitude, is an emotion, a way in which we feel. I’ve found it so difficult to stop thinking ‘I have no one and I am alone’. but try to replace it with ‘I am feeling lonely right now, how can I stop this?’ Everything is temporary, including this feeling.
2. Find autonomy with your time. When I became lonely I soon became depressed. A vicious cycle of feeling lonely but only refining yourself to your bed and room. You don’t need to do things with people to help this feeling. Just do the thing! find hobbies and activities that you enjoy first. It gives you more autonomy and confidence.
3. You probably don’t need that person that you think will ‘fix’ the problem. How you feel should not be dependent on anyone but yourself.
Any other tips? I still feel like shit. It’s just some realisations I’ve had.
*pic because nice*
Jan 8, 2025
I was isolated growing up.
Isolated in the regular run-of-the-mill homeschooled way. Growing up in rural Canada where everything is a minimum of a 30 minute drive away. Groceries, entertainment, activites, friends - and nothing in between but wheat and sloughs and cows.
Born to people who were not only the youngest child in each of their families, deeply introverted, and whose external social situations also put them in the way of easy ridicule.
It was the sixties, man.
My experience of the world for the first 18 years of my life was through my mother's eyes, primarily. My beliefs were filtered through her opinions, and my actions were dictated by her whims.
On top of that when I was 13 my family moved overseas to facilitate my dad's job. Moved, not to a town, or a an expat compound... but to a vacation village, which we inhabited September - May until I was 18.
We went back to Canada in the summers, dooming me to a cycle of social deprivation and catchup, never getting ahead or making meaningful connections.
None of this is stuff I really tell anyone, anymore. At 26 it's all far enough away that it doesn't come up in my current self synopsis when meeting new friends.
As my world expands, and I meet and love more and more people I'm so aware of how the more people that you meet and interact with the more you have a sense of your own place in the world.
Every time I have a new romance I learn what love is out there for me. Each new experience changes my views on past experiences. What I like and what I don't. The kind of love I can accept, how I want to be treated.
Every time I make a new friend I learn that there really are all kinds of people in the world, and that growing up it's not that there was something wrong with me, it's just that I didn't necessarily vibe with the 10 people I interacted with.
Nov 15, 2024
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i have noticed that people look down on people with roommates above a certain age. i live alone, and i've lived alone for a while, at an age where it would have been more appropriate (for a lack of a better term) to have roommates. now when i tell people i'm leaving my apartment to move in with my best friend, they're confused and want to know if i've thought it through. YES, i have, SHUT up.
i have a tendency to live as a shut-in, hermit-style, out of laziness and anxiety, and everything starts to get really scary after a day or two of working from home and not going outside. i know it'll change when i live with my best friend when i can just go downstairs to have coffee together, to hang out, to go to her room and talk and laugh.
i'm not made to live alone, i realize that after being certain i have to for years. i think it's just that the people i have lived with never gave me the space i need sometimes. i've grown, my friend knows me through and through. this time is different.
May 14, 2025
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I recently was discharged from therapy and the best thing is that i felt it coming. I am feeling such a great peace and so different is like my brain shifted in a good way. I can’t believe it yet but i know i deserved it!!!
May 27, 2025
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I just started the process of creating my own brand in order to get serious with my carreer. I currently am pursuing a Advertising degree, and broooooooooooooooooooootheeer it sucks ass.
I feel sooo desmotivated, but I went to my therapist and DANG SHE DO MAKE GOOD USE OF MY MONEY, she told me that I could target a certain group to provide them with services. honestly I LOVE IT.
it got me excited enough to see what am lacking, and to see what am not. While am a creative type of soul, I do struggle a lot at the moment as I been working to survive and not working to grow my carreer. this si honestly awful, but so true. If you are not born in a golden spoon type of situation, you will have to push harder. Saying that, i want you to know that you can do this, and everything is possible.
Id on't have resources, period. however I'm pushing with what I can and what I have, i don't feel like a fool when am doing creative stuff but I do feel like a fool when am doing customer service dang I hate ppl honestly and a kind specifically but that's too controversial.
Anywas, I wanted to share how am literally starting a business lol, and so do you. Is ALL about the LITTLE things, belive me.
OF COURSE, i will appreciate all the support and clients you guys can provide me with jijiji but that will be for another post.
THANK YOU FOR READING < 3
Feb 12, 2025
my bestie got a puppy! is a lady and her name is sol del mar 😭 it fits her so well.
she was abandoned and thankfully she was rescued and now we get to love her.
Jan 26, 2025