⭐
So, I'm just 10 days away from graduation, and today I was journaling, reflecting on my university journey. It's honestly mind-blowing to realise that I've gone through three years of university without being part of one of those friend groups you see everywhere—those tight-knit circles that attend classes together, study together, eat together. I did all of that solo. It's not to boast or anything; I just can't help but feel like I might have missed out on what many consider "the best part of their uni life."
To be clear, I do have uni friends (all two of them), but it's not like we do things together much. Maybe I'll visit one of them once or twice a month. So yeah, I'm feeling a bit conflicted about it all. And I can already imagine how awkward it might be at the graduation ceremony when everyone else has flowers and gifts, and there I am, standing alone (it's kind of funny to think about, tbh).
Overall, I think I struggle with making friends in general. It's not because I'm standoffish or anything like that; I just take a while to open up and let my guard down. I'm not great at small talk or joking around with people I've just met. Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm writing all this here, but I think I'll copy it into my journal now.
Jun 29, 2024
Related Recs
⭐
Honestly my whole life I been by myself, and you might wonder what I mean by that? jajaaj welp, let me tell you a story about me.
i struggled early on life due to my father addictions and violent personality, my mother passed away early on too and I gactually got to live with her until 6-7. After that, all I knew was loneliess, I have a brother but he was very brotherly I would say, because we got a long sometimes and sometimes we don't.
apart from this i got a stepmother, which had child-like personality so we got a long just like kids. she is a very nice person and struggled a lot by my father sides. we all struggled by his side a lot as he is also a narcisistic. everything had to be about him and so on.
i say i been alone, because with my surrondings i was always separeted from the people that truly cared for me and the people that were around didn't really see me, because of this i always had to deal with my emotions by myself and became a very quiet kid. it was awful to put up with shit and always blame it on myself, because that's what everybody is saying.
growing up with very emotionally distant people, always leave you the lonely scar. this is why i always wanted to have friends, but in a weird way jajjaja i was very awkward too and violent. i did a lot of things to impress people or to like them, things like putting down other people, or doing silly things in front of everybody.
all of this has resulted in me needing therapy (and graduating!) and needing people to approve of me. honestly, i can't pin point the thoughts i had when the need to impress taked over me as they were like the usual.
i feel like i been rambling around my loneliness, but that also felt like context. i am now a very different person honestly, but the sadness of not fitting in my family (because i moved out on my own and stopped talking to the rotten ones in my family) and seeing everybody else talking about their mothers and fathers, makes me feel so bad. like i understand that we musn't look to the other persons plate, but when you do and see how empty yours is, is difficult to not go crazy.
i crash out from time to time and i allow myself to do so, becuase is fucking hard. i live on my own by my own means in this ECONOMY, so that just mades everything worse. i hate to see people with parents that actually lookout for them, like no matter what they do they parents will always be there to support them. i hate happy families, and the thing my little self always says in the back when i see this is "why not me?"
2d ago
🌼
Warning pointless rant to the internet void:
Ever since moving to college I don’t have my friends I did in highschool that mattered so much to me. It has been really hard to find people who want to actually stick with me through everything, do things with me, and hear what I have to say. I honestly always feel like a last resort here. Everyone will casually cancel plans or flake or ghost and I’m tired of it.
Apr 17, 2025
📲
I left all social media for something like five years and only posted on a small insular abandoned app during that time and that was the main way I communicated with people. After feeling repeatedly hurt and misunderstood and wondering why it was so hard to build earnest connections through this medium I decided to leave. I realized that constantly narrativizing my life with no filter gave me no space to process or examine and kept me trapped in deeply baked-in stories in my head.
Anyway I’ve maintained contact with a small handful of my closest friends and it has honestly been somewhat difficult keeping in touch to the same degree as I did before about everyone’s day to day lives.
I think the hardest part is being the odd one out so you’re missing out on the tidbits they share in this one centralized place for the purpose of economy and time and that’s something you kind of just have to accept. There’s a certain level of meticulous detail that may be lost to you and I think interactions become more of a broad big-picture thing; not being so bogged down in the mundanity allows you to engage with more distance and perspective which can lead to greater depth and emotional honesty.
And then it’s funny because the communication you’re engaging in becomes so direct that rather than everything being so uniform and kind of tossed out there, everything has to be very intentional and personal.
You have to choose to reach out, again and again; you also have to choose when to give people space. You have to be very conscious of the balance between giving and taking because everything isn’t just being offered all at once indirectly on both sides—and this balance won’t always be perfect and sometimes you might not handle it in the most perfect way.
I decided at the beginning of the year that intentionality would be my main theme and I’m still working on it. So I don’t really have the answers but engaging with friends off of social media shapes everything in new and interesting ways and those are some thoughts I’ve had as I begin to navigate this…
Feb 24, 2025
Top Recs from @icedpeachtea
🥔
Rejection is the worst thing that can happen, and tbh it isn't really THAT bad.
Sep 2, 2024
📸
Honestly, it feels kinda liberating 🧘♀️
Most of the people I had on there were my high school friends. Ever since I moved to a different country for uni, we’ve naturally drifted apart. We don’t really keep in touch anymore, whether it’s video calls, texting, or anything else.
I kept it for so long because I thought it would be nice to see what my high school friends were up to and maybe update them on my life too. But after some serious journaling and being honest with myself, I realised there’s really no point in holding on to it anymore.
I was keeping it around to give myself a sense of false hope—hoping that one day we’d reconnect and things would go back to how they were. But deep down, I know the chances of that are pretty slim.
We’ve all moved on and grown in different directions, and that’s okay.
Aug 8, 2024
🌞
and having to use all my willpower to stop myself from breaking into a spontaneous dance
sun on my skin and shygirl in my ears. #inlovewithliving
May 8, 2024
May 8, 2024