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and i dont think anyone understands the weight of that. i try not to take every negative thing that happens in my vicinity personally, but itās so difficult.
i want someone to know that if i ask them to hang out, and the answer is no, an effective way to communicate that to me is by saying something like ānot this time, but letās hang out this day insteadā rather than just sending a me a ānoā. itās just one word, two little letters, why does it make me feel like thereās more underneath? why does it feel like underneath that ānoā is also a āi fucking hate you and never want to see you againā waiting just out of sight? i understand that this is my irrational anxiety brain talking, i really do, but why does it seem like the biggest ask in the world for a little accommodation around this?
and why doesnāt anyone want to treat me softly? is there a sign on my forehead that says āi may say i am soft, but that is not true i actually want you to be the opposite of gentle with meā? am i just a walking contradiction? is asking others to accommodate my softness justā¦too much? but why is it that other people can be soft, why is it that other people can be gentle and be treated gently? am i just that bad, that wretched of a person, that i do not deserve to be treated in the way i ask to be?
i want to be loved softly, and gently, so badly that my fingers shake with it. is it just that obvious, and pathetic? can others see how badly i want it, and that just makes them not want to do it?
i donāt know. iām sad this morning. and i am sick of giving giving giving and getting nothing in return.
Jul 6, 2024
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goodmorning everyone!!
this is a crush update? kinda?
things are going good! friendship is strong and my feelings are still heavy, but i can talk about them for hours and they would all say the same. also, enjoying my time being friends but thatās for another moment heheheh
so this is not so much as an update rather than a question to myself. after a friend made a joke on a big group chat in which we both are (the joke is about the rumor that we kissed once) i was left slightly confused. i unaccustomed myself to be have the right to be angry. the joke left me feeling slightly off, but i wouldnāt consider myself angry. at the same time, what gives me the right to be angry? it was just a joke. but if i felt like the joke might have some impact on our friendship (with crush), should i be angry? it definitely didnāt feel okay. but if the intentions were not harmful? im just so lost and i feel like i left my right to feel anything to make other people feel better. is that a normal feeling?
because, at the same time, i donāt want other people to feel bad. i have so much love to give and i just want to spread it to everyone, even if they hurt me in the past. is that bad? i donāt like the idea of acting angry towards someone knowing that they might feel bad. does that dehumanize my feelings? i want everyone to feel okay, and i feel like thereās no need to act angry towards someone, who that might make them feel bad.
filling really lost right now. if youāre going to comment on any post, please help me!! šš»
5d ago
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my anxiety has been eating me alive recently. itās like i need to overthink or worry about the most minor thing ever. itās been like this forever, and itās a little bit self-consuming. i know this happens to everyone, but sometimes i wonder why do i need to feel things more than the rest of people. like everything is harder for me than to others. swallowing the feelings, letting them live, making them happen. i want them to flow naturally from me, but they get engraved in every step of the way before they out. and my focus at the moment is to try and have peace on my mind. sometimes, i need to close my eyes, breathe in, and remind myself that everything will be alright. thereās always a way to go through feelings. and i miss when i got to enjoy the little things like interactions and happy moments, but maybe that just means that i love and can enjoy those things of life. does that make sense?
i wish to all a peaceful time, and weāll flow through the harsh feelings in some way! i like to remind myself that thereās still so much love to give from me. i just have to breathe.
Jun 11, 2025
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Iāve always had this fascination to emotion as a concept. Of course because everyone feels it every day of their life, but more of how encapsulating it can be. I watch films and hear stories and listen to songs and I come to find myself jealous?
Jealous of how pure and raw others experiences are. Why canāt I feel the agony of losing someone, why canāt I feel the devastation of a death, why canāt I lose a friend. It sounds so starkly idiotic because why would anyone want to feel such devastating things, and Iāve asked myself this a lot, part of me thinks itāll draw more stories to tell in my life, but I think the truth of the matter is that to live is to feel. And I really want to live my life for all that it can bring me.
I write all this not to distract myself from the reality that I have in fact felt such great pain in my life. However, I always lust for more. This also feels like such a blatant explanation for my love of movies, I always feel so drawn into my love for film for itās ability to snatch my mind away from my life and place it into anotherās. My favourite films are those that have made me cry, because as painful as it is I just canāt help but love it. My favourite film is common knowledge but Call Me by Your Name draws me into such a chokehold each time I watch it because of the devastation I feel upon every watch. I never rewatch films but with it I canāt help it, because it always and forever will make me catatonic.
Anyways, I am leaving my point, my point is I am currently in a swarm of emotions from my own life and it is everything I have prayed and asked for while also not being it at all. I feel such an irresistible compulsion to break down and cry, and then I do, but I find myself listening to music and reading texts that only encourage and swell the emotional climax of these tears. In moments where I find myself urged to move on for the betterment of my day, all I can help but think about is someone I care so deeply for moving away. However, is it immature to want to move on? Why must I shun myself from these emotions. After all despite how painful it is, I find myself searching for this pain again and again.
Because to yearn is to be in pain, and to be in pain is to feel, and to feel is to live.
Mar 3, 2025
Top Recs from @annaispunk
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my dad died when i was young. today is his birthday, he wouldāve been 64. this day usually passes as normal, but this year iām feeling particularly sad, and i am trying to feel those feelings fully instead of numbing them
Jul 1, 2024
my everyday bag is a large baggu crescent bag, and it is the love of my life. i have a variety of pins on display that say, āhelp the police-beat yourself up!ā, āmean lesbianā, and āthe moral panic is about ME!!!ā
i keep my wallet and coin-purse in the one little inside-pocket, along with lip balm/gloss, airpods AND wired earbuds, pencils/pens, lighters, my trusty bus pass, and an unlimited use kiss coupon from my partner.
in the main part of the bag i have a smaller bag full of stimming toys and communication cards (and gum and more lip gloss). i also have a taser, one reusable bag (just in case!), my journal (iāve been trying to keep a commonplace book), my kobo libra color, my vape, a few joints in a cute kitten cigarette case, and a pack of american spirits (the teal ones are superior).
not pictured: owala water bottle and any given crochet project
Sep 4, 2024
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i just finished down the drain by julia fox today too!! also you are going to LOVE my brilliant friend/the neapolitan quartet!!!! my favorite books fr
Jul 17, 2024