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The last birthday i had people come to gather to celebrate was when I turned 21. It was small but it was a sole group of people I love, some I miss, and one who has sadly passed. Ever since that day, no one has ever surprised me or tried to do anything for my birthday. I usually spend them alone, in turn makes me quite sad and amplifies my desire for likeminded people to share time with. Not my birthday…but I’m 25 now and seeing all of those people move on, come together every once ina while for occasions, and go their own ways makes me miss them a lot. I’ve kept in touch with 1 but recently It feels like that’s over as well.
I just want to be apart of something.
Everyday I want to reach out to these people, and I feel the need to apologize, and explain myself, end express how much I’ve loved seeing them grow into their own. I talk myself out everyday. Out of fear? Not focusing on my own needs? Or not knowing if they want to even talk to me anymore. Part of me feels tainted, conditioned to the idea that I destroy anything I touch or anyone I talk to.
I want to be apart, Be with people I admire. Get invited to things. Do things with others. But all the doors to those opportunities feel closed.
I may have been the one to close those doors but they don’t feel closed to me.
I miss these people very much and want them in my life.
Mar 11, 2025
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I met with a friend yesterday that I haven’t seen or really spoken to in months. We discovered that during the month of January we both endured similarly painful experiences of being wanted my someone and wanting them in return, only to have that person take everything back within the span of a couple days.
It’s a really confusing and jarring feeling and it’s like mourning something that hasn’t even had the chance to begin. During this conversation We reflected a lot on our generation (mid twenties) and how apathetic so many people have become. When did it become a crime to want and be wanted??
As much as I’ve been finding myself and have been on a real journey of self fulfillment lately, I still find myself aching with the loss of this person, or maybe the feeling this person gave me. I wish that someone could love me in the way that I love. I wish oversharing wasn’t a word in our vocabulary and that we could speak freely and from the heart at all times. Im so done being casual and nonchalant and apathetic; I care so much I can’t stand it.
Feb 8, 2025
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Honestly my whole life I been by myself, and you might wonder what I mean by that? jajaaj welp, let me tell you a story about me.
i struggled early on life due to my father addictions and violent personality, my mother passed away early on too and I gactually got to live with her until 6-7. After that, all I knew was loneliess, I have a brother but he was very brotherly I would say, because we got a long sometimes and sometimes we don't.
apart from this i got a stepmother, which had child-like personality so we got a long just like kids. she is a very nice person and struggled a lot by my father sides. we all struggled by his side a lot as he is also a narcisistic. everything had to be about him and so on.
i say i been alone, because with my surrondings i was always separeted from the people that truly cared for me and the people that were around didn't really see me, because of this i always had to deal with my emotions by myself and became a very quiet kid. it was awful to put up with shit and always blame it on myself, because that's what everybody is saying.
growing up with very emotionally distant people, always leave you the lonely scar. this is why i always wanted to have friends, but in a weird way jajjaja i was very awkward too and violent. i did a lot of things to impress people or to like them, things like putting down other people, or doing silly things in front of everybody.
all of this has resulted in me needing therapy (and graduating!) and needing people to approve of me. honestly, i can't pin point the thoughts i had when the need to impress taked over me as they were like the usual.
i feel like i been rambling around my loneliness, but that also felt like context. i am now a very different person honestly, but the sadness of not fitting in my family (because i moved out on my own and stopped talking to the rotten ones in my family) and seeing everybody else talking about their mothers and fathers, makes me feel so bad. like i understand that we musn't look to the other persons plate, but when you do and see how empty yours is, is difficult to not go crazy.
i crash out from time to time and i allow myself to do so, becuase is fucking hard. i live on my own by my own means in this ECONOMY, so that just mades everything worse. i hate to see people with parents that actually lookout for them, like no matter what they do they parents will always be there to support them. i hate happy families, and the thing my little self always says in the back when i see this is "why not me?"
2d ago
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I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships that for one reason or another ended up falling apart throughout my life. Some were my fault, some were theirs, and some a mix of both. Some have been redeemed, some are being restored as we speak, and some will never be mended or fixed. I think for many years I was so convinced that I needed to make amends with everyone, regardless of how things went. It felt like I had an obligation to swallow my pride and apologize, even if I wasn’t at fault. I spent so much time dismissing my own feelings in order to repair things with people that never really cared about my feelings in the first place. That was a majority of my early 20’s.
Looking back now at 30, it’s interesting to see how time has given me so much peace about letting certain relationships end and not feeling like I needed to revive them. It’s a strange acceptance that at some point, we must have been good friends for a reason, even if I can’t remember what that reason was and that I can remember the good moments and the laughter and the fun and the trips and the celebrations without focusing on the bad. It’s like the time has allowed me to forget exactly how bad the bad times were and it makes the good memories seem better than they were.
In my 20’s I would have either tried to fix everything for the sake of the good moments, or I would have stubbornly tried to forget them entirely because of the bad.
But it feels different now.
So much time has passed and I naturally find myself thinking of those people less frequently, but when I do think of them I remember them more fondly. And it’s okay for it to be just that. There’s no need for more, no need to reach out, no need to make things as they were. It’s an acceptance that some things do just end and that’s ok. I don’t have to focus on the bad, it’s okay to celebrate the good that existed if even just for a small amount of time. The laughter and the love and the companionship was real then, even if it doesn’t exist any longer.
Here’s to hoping all those people are doing well in life and finding success and love and building a life with someone and establishing their legacy. Here’s to hoping that good luck finds them from time to time. And here’s to hoping that when they remember me, hopefully they wish the same good fortune my way.
May 2, 2024
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