Well dear, this type of break up is honestly probably the worst of them. No one knows how to act the first time at anything. But the basics to survive it... I'd say there are three main things you need to know (as the 23 year old college student older sister of three, ages 18, 15 and 11)
1. Be a friend for yourself: Honestly, love? Sometimes the worst thing to do is try to ask other people your age what to do. Because A: People tend to have radical ideas and feelings about love and break ups that sometimes aren't really in line with who you are but feel like the right line of thought because, it's your friends, you trust them, but that doesn't mean they're less prone to give you bad advice. And B: When it comes to human emotions, the crushing amount of complexity it has makes it impossible for someone else's answers to your problems to be the right answer for you too, you can listen and take from their experience what you feel is valuable. But, how to be a friend to yourself? Well, all of those feelings you want to resolve and share with your friends, tell yourself about them first. I mean it, take the time, sit down, write it down, everything, and after you're done, pretend it is a letter you received from a friend. And really put yourself in the role, write an answer back, as if you're giving advice to someone else, be critical and be thoughtful. This is a simple way to take the emotions out so you can find logical solutions that align with who you are and what you believe in. Want to text them? Post a picture with someone else to call for their attention? Jump into a new relationship right away? Stop a second, think it through and don't do anything you would judge a homegirl for doing. You'll teach yourself a standard of self-respect and save yourself from unbearable amounts of shame and embarrassment in the future.
2. It canât be an excuse: If it is really the kind of break up that makes you feel utterly miserable, I understand, It is alright, work? college? school? that can be taken slowly, youâre a human being and work is not all that matters, it is not worth your mental health (Just make sure you talk it out with work partners, team members, some teachers who you feel you can trust and maybe can be empathetic towards you. Donât ghost anyone, there's a right way of doing things and a minimum level of responsibility you must show). Let yourself feel with all your heart, but it can NEVER be an excuse to not brush your teeth, wash your body, get sunlight or fresh air. Donât refuse to feel better. There is a long list of studies that show that you will feel better if you feel clean, full and warm. Get a bath in the tub, do skincare with your homegirls, watch a movie, do an everything shower, paint your nails or brush your hair. You have enough on your shoulder with the heaviness of your emotions, you donât need to deal with poor health and hygiene too.
3. Donât romanticize it: Here you have a huge opportunity to sit down with yourself and recognize guilts and responsibilities, just as much as you do of admitting to yourself that maybe you were done wrong too. The opportunity to keep on building that self respect standard and set limits to yourself. Ask yourself what was the point where you shouldâve stepped back? did you stay? why? What would you like to do differently next time? Did you hurt the other person? How could you have handled it better? How was the communication? Was this person showing the kind of affection/ attention you needed? If not, why stay? did this person knew you needed or wanted what you wanted?. Ask yourself any possible question and please donât pretend to remember only the good things, cause I promise you that doing that is the rabbit hole of pattern repeating. Actually? close the cycle, in case you havenât done it yet, write down everything you found while answering yourself those questions, everything you left unsaid, whether it be âIâm sorryâ or âI deserve an apology, even if I might never receive it, I know I deserve itâ and sent it to that person, not for them but for you, to give yourself closing, say goodbye. close the door (when you feel ready love, but if itâs been years and still not ready, it is time to push yourself to do it). And finally, know that it will pass. I promise that to you.Â
Apr 27, 2025
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Feels reallllllllly tempting following a romantic fallout to "get back out there" for several reasons: to prove (to yourself?) that you are desirable, to fill a void left by ex partner, to see if things feel different with other people, to try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that not everyone is as shitty as the last person u dated. (sidenote: spend time with the question of what it fulfills for you)
This is rarely ever the right move. At least in my experience. I've literally caused myself psychic damage by jumping back in too fast lol. As cliche as it is, the best advice I have is to spend time (LIKE, TIMEEEEE. months) "dating yourself." You will gain confidence, learn more about yourself + have space from the event that leaves you feeling like dating is so difficult right now. Time really does heal all wounds...but jumping right back into dating is like picking a scab.
Fill up your cup in other ways in the meantime. Eventually, it will feel more natural/comfortable for you to ease back into dating - instead of trying to cram yourself into it and thinking that there's something wrong with you/you've sustained permanent damage because it's difficult. Your wounds won't be as fresh and you'll have a clearer picture of what you can/can't tolerate in a romantic relationship. It's hard! But u can do it! <3
Apr 1, 2024
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The dial tone after speaking to someone you loved for the final time over the phone.
Crying until you canât breathe.
Your body becoming numb and your mind spinning as you try and process as you end things with your partner.
Amicable breakups when you and your former partner still loved each other during said breakup, and then watching them move on from a distance, while you still reminisce on what could have been every now and thenâeven when you, yourself, have moved on.
Feeling lost.
Firm believer that breakups build you as a person. I am not the person I was when I was in my first committed relationship. I built myself up, I created boundaries, and I no longer live for anyone else but myself
Jan 30, 2025
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first and foremost, you definitely shouldnât stop talking about it, if thatâs what you want to do. if something is on your mind and you want to express it, i feel like the harmful thing to do would be to bottle it up! just keep talking about it as much as you feel you need to and i can guarantee you that, over time, itâll plague you less and less. eventually itâll just become another aspect of your life youâve successfully grown and learned from!
my advice re: getting back out there is to simply take it slow. be observant for any red flags that you think could be indicative of a larger issue. also, make your core values clear from day 1! if someone really wants to be in your life, theyâll make it clear that they hold similar values :)
also, be sure to set your boundaries. be honest about your past and let them know that youâre still healing from it. any genuinely empathetic human being will internalize what you shared with them and be understanding!
overall, iâd urge you to remember that most people are not like your ex; most people want to cultivate healthy and loving relationships! i canât imagine what youâve had to endure - but thankfully you get to go out there and meet the person who deserves your love !! itâs super exciting !! woo!!!!
best of luck âșïž
Apr 1, 2024
Top Recs from @maria-is-wolf
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If it rains, I always take lavender tea and an hour of my day to read or nap. If it is sunny, I make myself cold orange juice in the morning and take ten minutes of my day to sunbathe before I do anything. Coming from a country that doesn't have seasons and a city with bipolar weather.
Apr 26, 2025